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Jewish Tips

 

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and
Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”
The wise old Rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will
be the lucky one.”

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If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses
an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

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My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the
family.”

I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a
schmuck?”

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Jewish Marriage advice: “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may
leave you.

Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who
cares?”

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The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”

The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”

The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

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Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but
she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

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A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude
woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something
extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.”

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the
President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you
thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard
the end of this”

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not
angry with you.”

 

 

 

 

(contributed by : Mathew Antony on 11.09.2012)

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