Category: Humor

God Problems.


 God Problems

Even Gods Have Problems


Once, I was very tired, fed up with the problems and tensions. Could not had a good sleep for many days.

My nephew dragged me to a Satsangh, saying u are sitting whole day at home, come for a change.  I went reluctantly. And I said to myself, that since I have not slept well these last few days, maybe the boring satsang will put me to sleep for a few hours.

Well, I was in for a pleasant surprise. The saint was really good, and humerous, and he broached the topic of human problems. He said we are all complaining allthe time, but even the gods have their own set of problems, much more than us. Here is what he said, this is what I remember from his speech.

Lord Shiva and Vishnu were sitting one day, and Shiva was complaining to Vishnu

about his problems.Here is what he said.

I have two sons Ganesh and Kartikiya.(I did not know about kartikya).Ganesh Sits on a mouse, kartikya sits on a peacock. And I have a snake around my neck.

The peacock eyes the snake (peacocks eat snakes). My snake eyes Ganesha’s Mouse. Worse, I sit on the Nandi, the Bull, and my wife Parvati sits on the lion. Now the lion is eyeing my Nandi.

I have so much trouble balancing these things about.

Worse still, Parvati does not like her sister , Ganga to sit on my head. It is so cold on Kailash, and with all these problems, very little clothes on me, I wanted to kill myself.i drank poison, but that got stuck in my throat, and I cant even die .

Vishnu said, your problems are nothing , listen to mine.

I have one son, Kaamdev, the lord of lust. He has created havoc in the cosmos. I am ashamed.

I have one wife. Laxmi. Everyone prays to me, but want her to come to their house.And no one wants to let her go. Shiva, ur wife is with u, mine is roaming all around the world,with no one wanting to leave her, how would u feel in my place?

Also my Vahaan, the vehicle of travel, is Garud, the big bird. I have no seat belt, so cold up there, and one swish, and I am dead.

You are sitting in one place , kailash, and look at me I am sitting in the ocean, on the head of Sheeshnag, with multiple heads, and if one head goes wonky and bites me, I am dead .

I was laughing all the way, sleep disappeared, and I came to realize that saintly teaching are not bad, that I should have listened more in my younger days, but never mind,I enjoyed this one this one a lot.

Yes we all have problems, each human being having his or her own set of problems.But we have to face them and get along.

Take care friends.


(contributed by: user kapil Bamba on 16.12.2017)



A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She says, ‘Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.’
‘And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?’
‘We use it for sex.’
The researcher was a little taken back. ‘Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?’

The woman says, ‘I don’t mind telling you at all…my husband and I put it on the door knob so the kids can’t open the door!’

(source : user amr on 07.06.2017)


Husband & Wife’s Poetic fight.


Husband & Wife’s poetic fight.


I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn’t it rain on you?

Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

(source: user TRRaju on 09.03.2012)


Children well settled.


 Children well settled


Two  Friends meeting after years.

1st      Friend     :      How are you ? How are the children? Where are they?
2nd    Friend     :      Eldest son in SBI, his wife in ICICI
                                   Second son in HDFC, his wife in Canara Bank
                                   Youngest daughter, not married yet. She is in Axis Bank.
1st     Friend      :      So all well settled in Bank jobs?
2nd    Friend     :       No, they are all standing in the queues there!


(source : user mohanrao on 11.01.2017)

Automobile Air Conditioner.


“Automobile Air Conditioner”


The Goldberg Brothers – The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner :

Here’s a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.


The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,  and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees Farenheat.


The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.  They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.  They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees Farenheat, turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.


The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.


The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.


Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti- Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.


They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


  And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show —      Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.


(source : user amr on 13.09.2011)



Gujju’s Blood.


 Gujju’s Blood

An Arab was admitted the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally.So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally a Gujarati in Ahemedabad was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.

The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him that this time also i thought that you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery….. But you gave only a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets..

On this the Arab replied



‘Bapu… I have Gujju blood in my veins!’

(source: user subi on 11.11.2014)


Lesson to Remember


You will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun was loaded with false bullets”.

She said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair!!”


(source: user amohanrao on 06.02.2011)




Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.  God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”


God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”


He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends.  I believe in giving.  I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.


God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.


Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”


Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.  Like Obama I believe in hard work.  I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”


God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.


Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”


Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”


(source: user amohanrao on 28.11.2016)


One second laugh

  • Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  • When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body…men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
  • You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
  • That’s your common sense leaving your body.
  • Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  • Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
  • They said Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  • You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

(source: user amohanrao on 29.11.2016)

Enjoy Tit Bits.


 Enjoy Tit Bits

Recently, when
I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets.I asked for a half dozen nuggets.’We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the
teenager at the counter.

‘You don’t?’ I

‘We only have six, nine, or
twelve,’ was the reply.

‘So I can’t order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and
ordered six McNuggets 

(Unbelievable but sadly true…) 


I was checking
out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the
belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they
wouldn’t get mixed.

After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the
‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar
code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this

I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I
don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

She said
‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened. 


A woman at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM ‘thingy.’ 

(keep shuddering!!)


I recently saw a
distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.

replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can’t get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?’

‘Hmmm, I don’t
know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me.  As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay
down before you hurt yourself !!!


Several years ago,
we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
‘blank’ copies.

Brunette, by the


A mother calls 911 very
worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the
mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant

Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to

(source ; user amohanrao)


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