Assorted wife jokes

22/02/2012 0 By victor

Husband SMS to his wife

Husband texts to wife on cell..
“Hi, what r u doing Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair..”
Husband: “Bloody English Language!
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Angry wife to her husband

 

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone  :   “Where d Hell Are You …?”
Husband: Darling,  You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace and totally fell In Love With It and I didn’t have money that time and I said
“Baby It’ll Be Yours one day … “
Wife, with a smile & blushing    :          Yeah I remember that my love !
Husband                                       :          I am in the pub Just next to that shop.
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A Special Package for Business Men.

 

An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy your Ticket Get your Wife’s Ticket Free.
After Great Success, the Company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave a same reply…
“Which Trip?”
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Husband was seriously ill

 

Husband was seriously ill.
Doctor to wife               :   Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in good mood. Don’t discuss your problems, no TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 year & he will be OK.
On the way home..
Husband                       :   What did the doctor  say ?
Wife                               :-  No chance for you to survive.
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An intelligent wife

 

”An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much  That Her Husband Cannot Afford Another Women”
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New SIM to surprise her husband

 

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband,
Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number   :    “Hello Darling”
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:
“Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.”.
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Wife treats husband

 

A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He’s On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says “Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time..”
Jim’s Funeral Is On Sunday

Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law, “Don’t Teach me how 2 handle my children, I’m living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement”

Sweet demand by kid

A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked – what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

Lion bounced on wife

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa’s wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I’m changing d battery of my camera..

Throwing knives on wife’s picture

Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her “Hi, what r u doing?”
His honest reply, “MISSING U”

I will think about it

When a married man says “I’ll think about it”,
What he really means that,  He doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet..

Habbit of talking in sleep

A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has  habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake

Part & Art of living

Having “WIFE” Is A Part Of Living…
But Having “GIRLFRIEND” Along With The “WIFE” Is Art Of Living.

Head & Neck of the family

It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A – One Woman Brings U into this world crying… & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: “What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey what r u looking 4?

Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means…
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

Can I make a call to my wife?

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Husband, wife & spare tyre

HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE….

Similarity between chewing gum & begum

What’s the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the eNd…

Too late for garbage

Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

What if you don’t see me for 2 days?

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
“how would you feel if you don’t see me for two days?”
The man couldn’t believe his luck: ‘that would be great’!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her……
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too…..
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: “Up! Quick! My husband is back!” Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: “Damn, I am the husband!”

Why women starts with W

You know why women starts with ‘W’…
because all questions start with “W”.. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife,
 NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Difference between Friend & Wife

Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend “U r my Best Friend”
But Do u have courage to tell to ur Wife “U r my Best Wife?”

Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!

Recently fired stock trader

A recently fired stock trader said …
“This is worse than divorce…  I have lost everything           and I still have my wife…”

Message of the year

Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple…
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!

 

 

(contributed by: Mohan Rao on 22.02.2012)