Let us Start
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood…..big, stately residences… no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all… NO PUBLIC REST ROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public rest room.”
“Ah, yes,” said the bobby…”Just follow me”.
He leads him to a back “delivery alley”, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the bobby. “Whiz away sir, any where you want.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted
hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,”That was really decent of you… is that what you call ‘English Hospitality’?”An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very ...
“No, sir” replies the bobby, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”
(contributed by: mohan rao on 09.02.2012)
- LESSON TO REMEMBER
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room.
You will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun was loaded with false bullets”.
She said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair!!”
(source: user amohanrao on 06.02.2011)
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite Cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
Whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
The cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
The cow would move away from the bull,
And he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
Ask his advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
“Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
That they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said.
“How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
“My wife is from Scotland “
(contributed by : Amr on 09.09.2012)The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite Cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to ...
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words ‘complete’ and ‘finished’ .
Enjoy a simple way that’s so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but :
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!!!
(contributed by: user Kumar on 20 jun 2011)No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words ‘complete’ and ‘finished’ . Enjoy a simple way that’s so easy to understand: Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but : When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED. And when the right one ...
Some new, most old, but worth a look, eh…The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men(contributed by :A Mohan Rao on 17.02.2011)