Let us Start
WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
“Cash, check or charge?” The salesman asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet the salesman noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” . The salesman asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wonders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ” You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure out, if I have to roll my cigrattes own so does she has to.
WIFE vs HUSBAND
couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day, 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM .” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
(contributed by : user mdivakaruni on 18.01.2011)WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN’S REVENGE “Cash, check or ...
Mother Nature is an evil bitch that wants us dead. We know this, we accept it, we try to burn one plant a day as petty revenge against her for it and we move on with our lives. But sometimes her traps are so unsubtle, so obviously, blatantly designed to do nothing but murder human beings in the most awful ways possible that we can’t help but stand and applaud her sheer balls. In that spirit, here are five of Mother Nature’s more vicious bear traps:
#5. Tsingy de Bemaraha National Park — Madagascar
The Tsingy de Bemaraha National Park is a protected UNESCO world heritage site, but this park doesn’t need any tollbooths, rangers or even a tall, spiked fence. Why? Because it’s literally nothing but spiked fence. Tsingy is a 250-square-mile tiger trap made up of massive limestone obelisks riddled with jagged spears. And yes, they will cut your pretty face. And no, they won’t not cut your pretty face, no matter how much you cooperate.
Sometimes the Earth gives a freebie to the World of Warcraft design team.
Biologists call the area a bio-fortress. The park is so impassable and uncharted, in fact, that every time a team goes on an expedition there, they find approximately five new species. They’re literally tripping over entirely unseen life-forms — a photographer for National Geographic documented these creatures, presumably while picking crocodile-headed lizards out of his canteen and shaking bizarre, dancing crimson bugs out of his sleeping bag.
Sometimes a forest of daggers just isn’t enough.
It shouldn’t be surprising: 90 percent of all species found on Madagascar are endemic, so if we go vaulting over the Earth’s barbed-wire fence on the Island of Extremely Rare Shit, we’re probably going to see some new things. And yet despite all of that sweet groundbreaking science temptation, the vast majority of the park remains completely unexplored to this day.
So yeah. There are definitely dinosaurs in there.
That’s really a testament to how inhospitable it is: We weren’t just talking about “spikes” and “cutting” earlier because the area looks “spiky” from a helicopter. Those things really are razor-sharp. “Tsingy” is actually the Malagasy word for “where you cannot walk barefoot.” When one expedition visited, they couldn’t navigate with ordinary rock-climbing gear because (and these are actual quotes from an actual scientist) “Tsingy chewed equipment and flesh with equal ease. At times it was like climbing amid giant skewers, the consequences of a fall suggested in the mutilated trunks of toppled trees below.”
Sometimes the formations produce Yes album covers just to mess with you.
Maybe we should amend our analogy a little: It’s less like nature’s junkyard fence and more like the Earth’s teeth, where it stabs and grinds you into a fleshy pulp for easy digestion.
And just in case you still think we’re exaggerating, here’s how Steven Goodman (the quoted scientist above) ended his trip: He and his team were walking on a normal, plain, flat path, when he turned his ankle just a little bit and stumbled. That’s all — he didn’t even fall all the way; just took a brief knee.
We can’t say this would be our preferred method of climbing.
It took them two days to hobble back to a hospital to remove the limestone spike from his kneecap.
#4. The Boiling Lake — Dominica
The Boiling Lake in Dominica is remotely located, 200 feet deep and straight-up boiling, 24/7. No, it’s not “kind of warm” and “really bubbly, so it looks like it’s boiling,” like a natural hot spring. If you take a therapeutic dip in the Boiling Lake, you’ll come out poached. The water temperature at the edge of the Boiling Lake sits at 197 degrees Fahrenheit on average. That’s on the shore; no measurements at all have been taken at the center, where the water is perpetually roiling, because, well, would you want to kayak out into a giant cookpot with a thermometer?
Those who’ve braved the intense heat have fused with their boats. “Boataurs,” we call them.
Tourist sites mention that the rocks are slippery at the lake’s edge, so you should exercise extreme caution while visiting. Even more prudent: Just don’t go. There’s no cause for “clocking a few weeks out of the office” to “take the ol’ fam” down to the fucking lake that cooks human beings.
Although, hey, maybe we’re being too close-minded here. This guy went for a visit and had a pretty good time.
We hear steaming food before consumption is healthier.
He even slung up a zipline to mosey over the center of the lake. Once there, he took a water sample and boiled some eggs for lunch. You know — fun times. They “turned jet black” when submerged in the water, and nobody’s quite sure why that is, but that didn’t dissuade him; he says “they still made a pretty decent lunch.”
“Want in on these bad boys?”
#3. The Bolton Strid — Yorkshire
This is the Bolton Strid, and we have to admit, it’s a pretty innocuous-looking thing to be on a list of nature’s most dangerous booby traps. It appears to be no more than a quaint country brook.
Now, this is what the Strid looks like a bit upstream, where it’s called the River Wharfe:
All British guidebooks use “quaint” and “picturesque” at least four times a page.
That’s … a really big friggin’ river. So what happened between there and the Strid? Did the river split, or flow into a lake or something? Nope, the Strid is still the whole Wharfe; it’s just been flipped onto its side. That means that while it’s only about 6 feet across, and appears to be no more than a few feet at its deepest (as we tend to assume of all cutesy little forest streams), nobody actually knows how deep the Strid goes. We simply cannot measure it, because there’s a powerful undercurrent sweeping down into the vast, unseen caverns and massive underwater pockets that hold all of the rest of the river’s water. Though if there happens to be a bout of particularly dry weather, the waterline does start to drop, and you can just see the tops of the giant formations below.
We’re pretty sure you need someone like Gollum to navigate through here.
All of that adds up to one simple, terrifying fact: Nobody who has ever fallen into the Strid — that harmless-looking brook up there — has lived to tell about it. Swimming in the Strid has a 100 percent mortality rate. Though there are signs and placards warning about the dangerous water hazard, they’re not always seen: Here’s a news report about a couple that went for a walk near the Strid on their honeymoon and went missing.
“And yet, I’m still hungry.”
It’s relatively common for people to assume they can jump the creek, walk across its stones or even wade through it (again, just looking at it, the Strid really seems to be only knee-deep in places, and certainly not the instant, precipitous drop into a watery grave that it is). Most of the time, they never even find the body. Which means there are just dozens of corpses down there, pinned to the walls of the underground chasms, waiting for you to join them …
It’s exactly how water works in a video game: It looks all stupid and harmless, but the second your foot touches the surface, you get some bullshit drowning animation and die instantly.
“That’s it, kids, a little farther back … haha, oh, I’m such a card!”
#2. The Afar Triangle — Africa
In 2005, geologist Dereje Ayalew and his colleagues went for a nice helicopter ride, because college lied to you and being a geologist is actually all fun and games. When they landed to take a look at, like, probably some stupid rocks (buzzkill), the very Earth split open. And we don’t mean that how you think — that a little fissure started to appear. It happened like earthquakes do in movies: A yawning void suddenly broke open and ripped toward them, hungry for their bones.
And then the Earth grumbled about pant sizes being smaller nowadays.
Objectively speaking, what they witnessed was the dramatic tectonic initiation of the African continent splitting from its horn. Subjectively speaking, they saw the Earth turn into Pac-Man, and they were the little white dots.
“Quick, stop it with the power of geology!”
Since that time in 2005, the Afar Triangle has been possibly the most unstable area on the planet, with huge, gaping cracks splitting open at seemingly complete random. But if you fall in, it’s not just the drop that will kill you: The cracks are not only frighteningly deep and dark, but also fire out blasts of superheated air (around 750 degrees Fahrenheit). The sound of bubbling magma can be heard from the depths of some cracks, and plumes of sulfurous gas erupt from others. If the Tsingy park is Mother Nature’s tiger trap, the Afar Triangle is its Bond-villain-esque trapdoor of doom.
And these wiggly lines are the wavering loyalties of the Bond girl. Metaphors.
So if you ever find yourself having to visit the Afar Triangle, just make sure that you’re the absolute best at whatever you’re doing. The Afar Triangle does not tolerate … disappointment.
#1. The Corryvreckan Maelstrom — Scotland
We know that whirlpools are a thing. But we tend to think that, in the real world, they’re either relatively small-scale phenomena or, at worst, a temporary hazard — something caused by a shift in tides, or a sinking mass — that’ll eventually just go away on its own. Whatever the case, it’s certainly not like in video games or pirate movies, right? There’s no permanent watery vortex waiting to gobble you up. But nobody told that to the Corryvreckan Maelstrom: It’s a massive, eternal whirlpool off the coast of Scotland. The vortex is caused by a dramatic underwater pinnacle that rises to within about 100 feet of the ocean’s surface, and it’s directly adjacent to a large depression. Complex tidal forces and the unique geological formation combine to create an incredibly powerful, perpetually spinning whirlpool of death.
This isn’t like quicksand, which can’t actually suck you down like it does in the movies. The maelstrom behaves just as ominously as its fictional counterparts. For example, a documentary team once equipped a mannequin with a life jacket and a depth gauge, and then tossed it into the Corryvreckan. When it was eventually found, the depth gauge had a maximum reading of over 650 feet. The maelstrom hungrily grabbed that thing like an inert, water-bound Boba Fett and swallowed it straight down. The mannequin was also severely damaged, showing signs that it had either been forcefully dragged along the ocean floor or else partially digested by the sea beast that lives at its center.
Use the hero bow, Link. The hero bow!
In calm weather conditions, a local boatman can take you near the vortex for your viewing pleasure, because hey — you’ve cooked lunch on a boiling lake, summited a limestone spear forest, landed a helicopter in the planet’s gaping maw and jumped the Pleasant Brook of Death — you might as well complete the set. But remember: If a windstorm kicks up while you’re out there, the maelstrom can produce standing waves 15 feet high. And if you capsize anywhere near that thing, everybody in the water is going right down the ocean’s throat.
Everyone turn around and say “human turd!”
Wait, holy shit: The Tsingy forest chews you up, the Boiling Lake cooks you alive and the triangle, Strid and maelstrom all swallow you whole …
We knew it! The Earth is too trying to eat us. Take that, schizophrenia meds!
Budd Erickson is a freelance philosopher and writer, although he does most of his philosophy pro bono.
(source: http://www.cracked.com/article_19705_the-5-most-spectacular-landscapes-earth-that-murder-you.html#ixzz1pXmFbRBM)Mother Nature is an evil bitch that wants us dead. We know this, we accept it, we try to burn one plant a day as petty revenge against her for it and we move on with our lives. But sometimes her traps are so unsubtle, so obviously, blatantly designed to do nothing but murder human ...
If you thought yoga was just about sitting in awkward positions while chanting repetitively, think again. Whether you’re looking to cure a cold, ease back pain or simply become more flexible, yoga is a discipline that’s seriously underrated. We’ve spoken to the experts to find out more about just a few of the ways yoga can benefit us all.
Due to the way in which yoga helps us to become more flexible, it’s especially ideal for those with cardiovascular problems. ‘Hatha yoga emphasises methods of doing yoga postures (asanas) and energetic breathing exercises (pranayamas) for physical health and wellbeing,’ says UK yoga instructor Kirsty Weir.
‘The benefits of this type of yoga practice from a physiological point of view include changes to cardiovascular functions along with benefits to musculoskeletal structures. For example, standing postures and forward bends are known to be sedative and can lower blood pressure, while backbends and inversions are great for stimulating and increasing blood pressure. Shoulder stands promote circulation to the neck region and are well known for their beneficial effects on thyroid conditions.’
If the daily commute or pressing deadlines are getting you down, yoga might just be what you need to put things into perspective. ‘Yoga has a balancing effect on both body and mind and as such it’s perfect for addressing stress-related illnesses such as insomnia, anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome and IBS,’
If you’re new to yoga but concerned about a lack of flexibility, Iyengar yoga could be a great place to start. ‘Iyengar yoga is good for people who are slightly older because it’s not so dynamic or strenuous and there’s a big emphasis on the use of props to create safe alignment – something that’s very important as we all get older,’ explains Miami yoga instructor Fred Busch,
Feel the burn
You might be surprised to learn that yoga can actually help us to lose weight and tone up, thanks to its ability to aid digestion and promote the burning of abdominal fat. ‘The physical exercises benefit the whole body, both on the muscular and inner organs level,’ explains Minakshi at the Sivananda Ashram Yoga Retreat in the Bahamas. ‘For example, the benefits of the sitting forward bend [as illustrated in the photo] include developing a healthier and more flexible lower back, the burning of abdominal fat and better digestion.’
Osteoporosis is just one example of a condition that can be helped by yoga, thanks to the focus on correct bone alignment.
‘For preventing osteoporosis, correct posture is paramount,’ explains Juliana Mitchell, a yoga instructor at . ‘This can be explained by a principal called ‘Wolfe’s Law’ which states that bone density grows along lines of stress. In good posture, we evenly distribute the body’s weight through the key weight-bearing bones, helping the body to continually rebuild bone mass. Many yoga classes emphasise a pose called tadasana or mountain pose. At first glance it can seem like just standing there. But tadasana is a master pose which can be refined for the rest of our lives – it teaches the body and mind how to distribute body weight, and works as a maintenance plan for our key weight bearing bones.’
A breath of fresh air
The emphasis on correct breathing technique means yoga is ideal for those suffering from respiratory conditions while those suffering from insomnia can also benefit. ‘Certain pranayama (yogic breathing exercises) can be very beneficial for asthma, as well as sleep disruptions caused by sleep problems,’ says Juliana at New York Yoga. ‘A yoga teacher with a strong knowledge of pranayama and of yoga therapeutics would be necessary in this regard. Certain restorative yoga poses can also be excellent for asthma.’
Get tough on toxins
It’s all too easy to ignore the damage done by a poor diet – alcohol, processed foods and smoking can all have disastrous effects on our bodies – but certain types of yoga are known for their ability to neutralise some of these poisons. ‘I find that ashtanga and vinyasa yoga, due to the high cardio nature of the practice, help to bring about a better alkaline to acidity pH ratio in the body,’ says Donnalynn Civello, holistic health coach at New York Yoga.
‘These yoga styles help to release both physical and emotional toxins in the body. Through these practices, the physical toxins (from processed foods, refined sugars, artificial sweeteners, alcohol and prescription drugs) are slowly released from storage in the fat cells and discharged from the body as sweat, etc. This enables a lower acidity level in the body as these toxins are highly acidic.’
Sort the sniffles
Feeling the first snivels of a cold? Yoga isn’t just great for getting rid of colds – it can prevent them coming back, too. ‘Colds can be repaired with yoga – that’s the good news,’ reveals Tara Stiles. ‘The even better news is the more yoga you practice the less you’ll get colds in the first place. A regular yoga practice will strengthen your immunity. Your yoga practice and these additional breathing techniques can cleanse the body and the sinuses, leaving you feeling refreshed and relieved even during the worst of colds.’
Yoga’s ability to improve the nervous system means it’s the perfect solution for a wide range of related conditions. ‘When we practice the yoga asanas (postures), they give us physical benefits such as flexibility and strength, as well as balance our parasympathetic with our sympathetic nervous systems, which in turn allows our endocrine system and our digestive system to function more efficiently,’ explains Michelle Dortignac at Unnata Aerial Yoga.
‘If your endocrine system is functioning more efficiently, you will have fewer problems with conditions such as hot flushes for menopausal women, hypothyroidism and insomnia. If your digestive system is functioning more efficiently, you will have fewer problems with conditions such as constipation, irritable bowel syndrome and acid reflux.’
Back to basics
If long days hunched over a computer have left you with a bad back, yoga might just be the answer to your prayers. ‘Yoga stretches can help to unravel the tension which builds throughout the day, and the impact of hours sitting at a desk, hunched over a screen,’ says Katie Mutton, a yoga instructor at London-based Yoga Team. ‘Once the body is free from physical tension it’s easier for the mind to relax, sleep improves and your immunity gets a boost, so you stay healthier.
What are you waiting for?
With yoga increasing in popularity, there’s never been a better time to find out more. ‘I’d suggest that an absolute beginner finds a qualified teacher (the British Wheel of Yoga website is a good start) and trys a beginners’ course to learn some of the basics,’.
‘Fundamentally I think you should find a good teacher that you like and that you can learn from. Keep looking until you find that person. The beauty of yoga is that the more you do it the more you want to know and your knowledge and practice will deepen over the years. Acceptance, reflection, growth and happiness can all come with a deepening yoga practice. We should all do yoga because quite simply, it makes us feel better!’.
SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE EXERCISE PLEASE TRY
The essence of the exercise is that your “Eyes Must be Closed” when you are doing this exercise.
You must practise the “Jin Ji Du Li” exercise with the eyes closed.
Here is the exercise:
Stand on one leg while your eyes are closed.
That is all. Just try it right now, stop reading and stand up, close your eyes and try standing on one foot.
If you are not able to stand for even 10 seconds, it means that your body has degenerated to 60 to 70 years old level in other words, you may be only 40 years old, but your body has aged a lot faster.
I tried this exercise myself when I read the mail. I thought “It’s no big deal, I’m sure I can do this easily”
I was fooling myself, I’m glad I tried it because I discovered, much to my surprise, that while I could stand easily on one foot with my eyes open; trying the same thing with my eyes closed was another story!
I just could not keep my balance for more than two to three seconds before I started wobbling and hopping around.
You do not need to lift your leg high, if your internal organs are out of synch, even lifting your leg this bit will make you wobble.
These Chinese are really very advanced in their knowledge of the human body.
It was very heartening to know that frequent and regular practice can help you recover your sense of balance.
In fact Chinese specialists suggest daily practice of Jin Ji Du Li for 1 minute, this helps prevent dementia.
You can try slightly closing both eyes while practicing Jin Ji Du Li, instead of completely closing them; in fact this is what the health specialist Zhong Li Ba Ren recommends.
Daily practice of Jin Ji Du Li, can help in healing many illnesses or diseases like
· High Blood Sugar or diabetes,
· Neck and Spinal diseases,
· it can also prevent you from getting dementia.
(contributed by:Mohan Rao on 23.11.2011)SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE EXERCISE PLEASE TRY The essence of the exercise is that your “Eyes Must be Closed” when you are doing this exercise. You must practise the “Jin Ji Du Li” exercise with the eyes closed. Here is the exercise: Stand on one leg while your eyes are closed. That is all. Just try it right now, stop reading ...
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